41. Instead of tackling crime, Kent police now have to patrol the 30-hour queues of HGVs to ensure weeping drivers don’t simply abandon their vehicles as their livelihoods gently rot in the back 

42. Boris Johnson, who won an election telling us Brexit was done, has now become so bored with Brexit not being done that he told German leaders he was ready to rip up the protocol

 

43. A committee of MPs concluded Brexit will make us more reliant on imported food, not less 

44. But MPs found we probably can’t that import food, cos by the time HGV drivers finally escape our shores, most of them have concluded it’s not worth coming back

 

45. Such is the demand for food that as inflation reached a whopping 7%, the cost of basic foodstuffs rose by 12% 

46. More than 550 foodbanks warned parliament they were at “breaking point” because supporters can no longer afford to give donations, and rising poverty sees centres overwhelmed by desperate demand

 

47. Foodbank use has doubled since January 

48. John Redwood said the govt needed to sort out import/exports at Dover, finally catching up with where everybody else was in June 2016

 

49. Well, everybody except for Dominic Raab, a be****tled, box-faced Etch-a-Sketch dingbat who famously didn’t know what Dover was for 

50. This week Raab applied his fierce wisdom and keen intellect to a spiffing new Human Rights Act, and introducing something he was SURE would be better, because it would “counter wokery”, an indefinable, shape-shifting curse that makes people have basic manners 

51. Raab’s human rights plan was immediately condemned by the Joint Committee on Human Rights for “weakening protections”, for not being based on any evidence, for undermining the right to a fair trial, and for suggesting some classes of people should have fewer human rights 

52. To Westminster, or maybe Pentonville: and despite a ban on MPs employing wives, 2 aides to gropy cocaine enthusiast David Warburton said they were unable to report his misconduct, because the person paid £52k of public money to handle complaints against him was his own wife 

53. Fellow Tory MP Simon Hart defended this arrangement, claiming MPs - such as Simon Hart - who employed their wives delivered “real value for money” for the taxpayer, presumably on the basis that it minimises the risk of MPs facing costly criminal prosecutions 

54. Even so, brace for another prosecution soon: it seems Warburton had secretly lobbied on behalf of an iffy Russian businessman without revealing that the Russian had given him a £150,000 loan, and that he wasn’t able to repay it 

55. A former Tory minister said, “This is symptomatic of a party in terminal decline. We are in a death spiral”

 

56. Also on Monday… no, really, we’re just on Monday… Tory MP Imran Ahmad Khan was found guilty of sexually assaulting a 15-year-old boy 

57. Crispin Blunt, Tory head of the all-party group on LGBTQ+ rights, said the conviction of his friend Khan for abusing a child was an “international scandal”

 

58. So half the LGBTQ+ members resigned from the group, because Blunt refused to quit

 

59. And then Blunt quit anyway 

60. So now, only a week after we had to cancel an LGBTQ conference because 100s of LGBTQ groups objected to Tory policy on "conversion therapy", a Tory MP has managed to make half the gay members of parliament stop being members of the group for gay parliamentarians 

61. Meanwhile (former) Tory Rob Roberts is still acting as an independent MP, and refusing to step down from his seat a year after being suspended from the Commons for making repeated unwanted sexual advances 

62. This is despite his suspension leading to a recall petition of his own voters, which he lost, therefor the regulations mean he now has to face a byelection. He still hasn’t agreed to step down. He’s just sat there, immoveable, undermining democracy 

63. And so to the big news of the week, as Boris Johnson, a crapulous Honey Monster crammed into a suit he’s borrowed for a tribunal, got a fixed penalty notice for attending parties during Covid lockdown, thus becoming the first sitting PM ever convicted of a breaking the law 

64. Johnson still insists he hadn’t lied to parliament, because he had naturally assumed the rolling stream of parties involving suitcases of booze, DJs, birthday cakes, party hats, tinsel and people playing on swings in the garden were simply standard govt meetings 

65. Johnson wrote in the forward to the Ministerial Code that to “win back the trust of the British people we must uphold the very highest standards of propriety, and this code sets out how”

 

66. That very same Ministerial Code says ministers must resign if they lie to parliament