posted on 17/6/2022 14:04pt 2 - Gramsci.

 

34. The UN said this was “categorically untrue”, and they'd offered “many, many suggestions”

 

35. The UN said UK policy “violates fundamental principles” 

36. The Church of England said the policy is “against God’s laws”

 

37. So ministers talked openly about expelling bishops from the House of Lords

 

38. And then Prince Charles called the policy “appalling”, so monarchist Tory columnists began talking about scrapping the monarchy 

39. It’s all terribly, terribly sane

 

40. In the end we deported exactly (let me check my maths) zero people for our £120 million, because the European Court of Human Rights – which Churchill helped to set up – stopped the flight 

41. You can, I’m sure, picture the scenes of joyless masturbation on the Tory backbenches when they discovered a glorious new enemy in Europe

 

42. Example: Brendan Clarke-Smith, who said “this is effectively a war”

 

43. Meanwhile Priti Patel said “we will not be deterred” 

44. So to clarify: Patel wanted to disrupt the plans of people acting illegally, which would deter them. But when her own plan acting illegally was disrupted, she said she will not be deterred,

 

45. Her lavishly scattered wits prevent her from comparing these two concepts. 

46. And it seems to be catching: Tory MPs called for us to leave the ECHR

 

47. Meanwhile Liz Truss, our 8-bit foreign secretary, published a bill to scrap the NI protocol so we could defend the Good Friday Agreement, which is protected by – yep – the very same ECHR 

48. So they’re now fighting an impossible battle to save the ECHR at the same time as fighting an impossible battle to destroy it.

 

49. Minister for bull**** legal excuses Suella Braverman said the bill was necessary because “the NI economy is lagging behind the rest of the UK” 

50. The NI economy is the strongest in Britain except for London, cos NI still has access to the single market

 

51. Johnson called the proposed changes “relatively trivial”, and then called the changes “absolutely vital”, like some sort of Schrodinger’s **** 

52. The govt’s top independent legal advisor said it was “very difficult to credibly” claim the bill didn’t break international law

 

53. The ex-head of govt’s legal dept said the bill is “one of the most extraordinary pieces of legislation I have ever seen” and was“hopeless” 

54. A Tory backbencher said “the government is lying to its own MPs and the media” about the legality of its bill

 

55. In Wakefield, the Tory candidate admitted Brexit was “built on lies”

 

56. He then likened the Tories to Harold Shipman. A reminder: this is their own candidate 

57. Meanwhile the Tory candidate in Tiverton and Honiton refused to say whether she thought Boris Johnson was reliable or honest

 

58. As rail strikes loom, be****tled walking Tango advert Oliver Dowden launched an online petition to make himself do something about it 

59. Back to priapic dust-bunny Boris Johnson, who launched a new food strategy to tackle the cost of food, obesity, childhood hunger, and climate

 

60. The strategy contains nothing about the cost of food, obesity, childhood hunger, or the climate 

61. It does, however, suggest the poor should eat more venison, cos things aren't mad enough

 

62. The govt’s advisor on food strategy said “it is not a strategy”

 

63. Meanwhile the benefit for low-income families to get fresh fruit was moved to online-only

 

64. It went well 

65. The scheme's pre-payment food cards don’t work

 

66. The scheme's helpline wasn’t manned

 

67. And 52,000 of those targeted for accessing benefit can’t sign up cos they don’t have internet access or the necessary paperwork 

68. After Tories scrapped 25,000 NHS beds, health minister and furious gonad Sajid Javid said the NHS “doesn’t need any more money”

 

69. He did, however, say it should be more like Netflix, which has debts of $14.5 billion and expects to lose 2 million subscribers this year 

70. Average wages fell at the fastest rate for more than 2 decades, and we have the worst economy in the G20 except for Russia, which is under global sanctions

 

71. The govt genuinely claimed the reason for our shocking performance is that we “ended mass testing for Covid” 

72. To shift focus, the govt commissioned a private “attack dossier” to prove Labour can’t be trusted with the economy

 

73. The dossier showed Tories were worse at the economy than Labour, so they didn't publish it – it was leaked by someone with a great sense of humour 

74. Tory minister Helen Wheeler ended up having to apologise after calling Blackpool a “godawful” place

 

75. Blackpool is the planned location of this year’s Tory Conference, and I'm already looking forward to the resulting fun and games 

76. And finally, after last week’s announcement that the govt would extend the “right to buy” to include people who haven’t even got enough money to eat, startled halibut Michael Gove admitted they hadn’t even bothered to do an impact assessment on the idea